The Impacts - Inner Works Therapy

WHAT ARE THE POTENTIAL IMPACTS?

Here are some of the most common impacts you may relate to.

Impaired sense of self: nearly all adult children of narcissists ask: ‘Who am I really?’ Their parent(s) may have performed the practical tasks of parenting extremely well, but emotionally and psychologically there was profound emotional neglect. Narcissistic parents have an impaired ability to attune and mirror – to help show us who we are fairly accurately. The ability to build strong ‘self-structures’ – self-care, self-esteem, self-worth is impaired.

Relationally, narcissists overestimate their ability to understand others’ perspectives and believe they can accurately interpret others’ thoughts and emotions, which leads to misinterpretations and assumptions. This ‘psychic equivalence mode’ means perceptions are viewed as absolute truths: here we see comments such as, ‘I’m assuming you feel X’ (rather than asking), and ‘I know you better than you know yourself’. This leads to rigid perspectives that make it difficult for a narcissist to consider alternative viewpoints. Their self-centred focus is on defensively justifying their own beliefs rather than seeking to understand others, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts. The narcissist will tell you confidently who you are, what career you should aim for, what your ‘problem’ is, and if too much credence is given, which is usual in attachment relationships, over time we can become confused and lose a sense of who we really are, of what means the most to us, and of what we need.

Attachment style: narcissistic abuse significantly disrupts a child’s attachment style, leading to insecure styles as an adult. Narcissistic abuse in adulthood can also affect our attachment style. The most common styles that I encounter are anxious preoccupied (in relationships), with a strong fear of abandonment and rejection, as well as those with traumatic attachment – yearning for, and at the same time wanting to distance from, emotional and physical intimacy. There is a sense of a wall within.

Emotions as information: the focus tends to be on the overt behaviours of narcissists, their words and actions, but just as damaging are the impacts of their emotional neglect. The idea that we are allowed them and that they inform our needs and wants, that we should in fact be labelling them at a nuanced level is often outside of our awareness.

Our relationship with our emotions (and therefore our self-concept) is always affected by narcissistic caregiving and adult abuse, whether that be fear of/low tolerance for/numbing of/our emotions. Having our emotions minimised and dismissed by the invalidating narcissist can lead us to have trouble really knowing and going with what we feel and acting on that. Endless judgement and gaslighting means we feel an emotion has to be ‘correct’, unaware that the emotion has value simply because we feel it.

Targets commonly have emotion regulation and emotion processing issues. Risking being vulnerable and revealing our emotions is another challenge after abuse. Decisions made at the height of emotionality during narcissistic abuse can carry lifelong regret.

Deficient emptiness: related to emotional neglect, a sense of emptiness and hollowness that can feel physical – a sense of a void within the chest area that feels alien. There is a sense that something is missing, of loneliness, or a sorrowful wound of loss, manifesting in a lack of pleasure in life and a sense of purposelessness, lack of motivation, difficulty connecting with others, boredom and difficulty experiencing and naming emotions, as well as not being fully present in life’s experiences.

Complex trauma (C:PTSD): a relational trauma that involves self-alienation (another contributor to not knowing the self) and very common for both children of narcissists and adults who have been/are involved with them. Narcissistic abuse can leave more impacts that we realise: we can be high-functioning and high achieving, with a strong left brain ‘going on with normal life’ part. We may appear to be doing well. However, in the right brain are highly emotional trauma Parts that are easily triggered, often long after the abuse, as well as implicit memories that come to influence our perceptions and behaviour without conscious awareness – they feel ‘real’, in the now, and personal, and contribute to the subjective beliefs and feelings we hold about ourselves. This is the ‘living legacy’ of abuse that often can only be known via our triggers.

As well as that, our nervous system can be ‘stuck’ in hyper or hypo states of arousal for decades, with a very small Window of Tolerance for managing everyday stressors.

Unprocessed trauma at a C:PTSD diagnosable level includes dissociation, flashbacks, nightmares, sleep issues; avoidance of reminders of trauma, anxiety and depression, hypervigilance, emotion regulation difficulties, anger, fluctuating empathy levels; a negative self-concept, a sense of worthlessness, guilt, interpersonal problems, and a feeling of disconnection.

Narcissists can dysregulate our nervous system and trigger our animal defence systems within even a few minutes of meeting – all it can take is their tone of voice. Parts of us (essentially child parts that are trying to protect us) become activated and are ‘on the loose’ in our system, regressing us and emitting all sorts of fears, beliefs and archaic emotions.

Emotional triggers: feeling flashbacks related to the above, triggers after narcissistic abuse are often centred around unfairness, unjustness, lack of respect, being deceived, being made a fool of, not being heard, seen and so on. The brain believes we are under threat when triggered and we react in a way that is profoundly disproportionate, often to the detriment of our relationships.

Toxic Guilt: the narcissist’s powerful ability to play the victim and manipulate distorts our ‘guiltometer’. It sensitises us to others in terms of whether we have ‘hurt’ or ‘disappointed’ them, and entrenches a sense of obligation and duty. Guilt in narcissistic abuse is experienced as an almost physical, heavy emotion that is unrelenting. The idea becomes that it should not be felt at all, otherwise it is evidence of the person’s ‘badness’.

As an adult you may experience guilt when you exhibit self-care and put your needs first, you may feel guilty for not being good enough, or for not being able to soothe your self-absorbed and hypersensitive narcissistic parent.

Narcissistic parents cannot tell that a child is not an adult, and think nothing of guilting and shaming them for behaviours that are normal for the child’s age, leading to implicit memories in adulthood of having hurt/burdened the narcissist, which triggers attendant beliefs such as ‘I am a bad person if I don’t do my duty to help/get it right’. Guilt can latch on to other fears, for example, we can equate failing with guilt. Guilt is also a symptom of OCD and an indicator of high stress levels.

You might also be experiencing guilt around ‘reactive abuse’ – some of your behaviours in response to the abuse may have been less than desirable, but were actually a normal result of the emotional torture you had endured.

Toxic Shame: along with guilt, the most powerful control tool for the narcissist. There are many sources of shame in narcissistic abuse e.g. projected shame, being blamed, the shame that arises from being compared, that arises from feeling not good enough, from having the attention on yourself, from being successful etc. Narcissists can label in a way that is deeply shaming e.g. ‘You are second-hand goods, who will want you now?’ [after a relationship ends]. Emotional triggers that contain shame can lead to extremely powerful dysregulated meltdowns.

For the experiencer/survivor of narcissistic relationships, the persistent conflict is both to express and to suppress the self, thus shame is a challenging area to work with. Shame is a neurophysiological response that can cause us to ‘hide out’ in plain sight as adults, overly self-reliant, perfectionistic and self-attacking. Toxic shame binds to many other emotions and most damagingly to our core identity, thus we have an internalised sense of ‘I am wrong/bad/broken’. Shame can also be masochistic and part of self-sabotage. But shame is also a clever survival response, a resourceful state that allows us to more easily submit to, and be less threatening to, a perpetrator.

Self-doubt: The invalidating, directional, ever questioning narcissist, mocking and judgemental, quibbling over semantics, minimising and dismissing, condescending in tone, belittling an intelligent opinion, telling the target what they should say, wear, weigh, how to think etc., means they take up residence in the target’s head. Thus, we notice thoughts such as: ‘What would they think if I do that?’, ‘Shall I say/do that thing?’ The brain cleverly remembers the consequences of going against the narcissist’s viewpoint and halts decision making.

Conversely, we see the phenomenon of gaslighting by silence, a powerful form of abuse that fuels self-doubt probably as much or more than overt gaslighting. The narcissist deliberately withholds a ‘normal’ response, e.g. by failing to acknowledge or celebrate achievements that warrant it. Their responses are either silent or ‘off’ in some way, which leaves the brain confused and filling in the gaps, trying to make sense of it: ‘Am I wrong to expect that?’ etc. Self-doubt is also related to childhood emotional neglect.

Addictions and compulsive behaviours: very common in those brought up by and in a relationship with a narcissist, and a way to soothe and regulate the nervous system. The consequences of addictions are not integrated in the brain as a result of childhood neglect and abuse.

Anxiety disorders: lack of a deep sense of safety as a child, self-abandonment emotionally and physically, in order to stay safe by focusing on the narcissist leaves lifelong anxiety at a core level. As an adult the impacts are bad enough, but as a child, fear-inducing behaviours of a narcissist are perceived as life-threatening; that trauma can stay in the nervous system and manifest in various ways, e.g. fear of driving, fear of flying (related to a core belief of ‘not good enough’).

Narcissistic abuse can result in a range of anxiety issues including panic; hypervigilance (solely noticing the negative); social anxiety (self-policing); worry; anticipatory anxiety, phobias including agoraphobia.

Having experienced trauma, implicit emotional memory converts the past into an expectation of the future, without our awareness. This contributes to such phenomena as ‘morning dread’, catastrophising thoughts e.g. ‘everything is going to fall apart’, ‘something bad is going to happen’ and the body follows by making it a survival response. Anxiety also arises from the sense of being ‘watched and hated’ by the narcissist, which leaves its mark on the nervous system.

When children have been subject to unpredictable idealisation and devaluation and the anticipatory anxiety of not knowing what to expect from a parent, their brains naturally seek to make sense of that and find certainty; this can mean they seek ‘rules’ for relationships, which leads them, for example to feel more comfortable at work, where rules abound, rather than in their personal life.

Overthinking: The child/adult abandons their body and lives in their head as a way to gain control and safety in an unsafe, unpredictable environment. Anxious attachment continues into adulthood and leads to overthinking about ‘other people’ and whether we have ‘hurt’ them or said or done the ‘wrong thing’; the gut and tuning into ourselves and staying with how we feel come a poor second. Intrusive thoughts after trauma can be difficult to control and affect decision making. Overthinking can be a symptom of anxiety, substance use disorders, eating disorders (food noise).

Rumination: the endless cycle of perfectionist, repetitive, washing machine thoughts, worries and anxieties about the past (fuelling depression), present or future (fuelling anxiety): ‘If only I had said/done that’; ‘I wonder what will happen if/when?’ etc. Guilt and regret can be hugely ruminative. Rumination represents a failed attempt at emotion regulation. Going over and over events, trying to make sense of them and seek answers is inevitable when involved with a personality disordered individual.

Paranoid behaviour, feelings and fears: a common feature of post-traumatic stress. The ‘generalisation effect’ means that after trauma the brain loses its ability to discriminate and makes associations with people/events that are similar, so we see for example an uptick in noticing/believing that those around us are narcissists. Paranoia also results from a smear campaign, from being chronically lied to and betrayed. Narcissists can go to great lengths to monitor and control their target, e.g. set up hidden surveillance equipment. This intrusiveness leaves an OCD-prone target feeling that the narcissist ‘may’ have information on them that could ruin their life, that they ‘may’ have said or done something that will be used against them. Paranoid ideation can leave the target feeling that they ‘must’ be perfect in their communications, that people could be hiding secrets from them etc.

Lack of self-compassion: narcissistic parents’ failure to perform the core tasks of parenthood mean the child and then adult has neurological deficits in being able to self-sooth and experience self-compassion. In fact, self-compassion may be perceived as dangerous and there is often a ‘block’ to it.

Lack of self-care: nearly all children of narcissists, especially scapegoats, are parentified – asked to relay messages, soothe fighting, therapise, babysit, do housework and so on – crucially, with no real acknowledgement and appreciation. Care for others therefore becomes implicit learning. Pre-verbally, the lack of mirroring means the baby is focused on the mother’s emotional state, not the other way around as it should be. This leaves an under-developed care receiver part of the personality and over-developed care giver part. The result is that in giving we can feel resentment and burnout, and there is a general tiredness and sense of not stepping into our authentic life. Parentified (child) Parts of an adult continue to be over-involved, over-active and over-responsible, pushing the adult Self out of the director’s chair because they are not aware that they are safe and can relax now.

Need for control: This is the arena of self-blame (also affected by the narcissist’s ‘blamer’ mentality): the psyche of the child of a narcissist cannot acknowledge that the parent is dangerous, that would be too terrifying. Instead, the child takes control by blaming themselves ‘If it is me who is bad, then I can change/improve things.’ This ‘Moral Defence’ continues and is extremely common in adult children of narcissists – ‘that happened and it is my fault’. The need for control (for safety) sits at the heart of many of the impacts of narcissistic abuse – e.g. worry, anticipatory anxiety. As well as that, the issue of control can be distorted after narcissistic abuse – there is a lack of awareness about what we can and should control and what we cannot.

Black and white (dichotomous) thinking is common after narcissistic abuse and a reaction to the need for control. Stress and overstimulation can cause people to seek out areas of their life they do feel in control of, inspiring them to enact even more stringent, rigid rules.

Trust issues: The impacts are varied. As an example, recent research has shown that the brain of an anxiously attached toddler will re-wire itself to cope with a parent’s inconsistent attentions. As an adult, that means the person will have a neurologically impaired sense of people who are untrustworthy – they are simply not picking up on the cues because their brain had to ignore them as a child in order to keep the relationship with the parent (and survive).

Other reasons include the generalisation effect after abuse – ‘nobody can be trusted’, ‘everybody is a narcissist’. Or our ability to trust can be distorted by narcissistic manipulation – ‘X is being nice, what is she after?’ Self-trust is significantly affected by abuse including emotional neglect, e.g. in decision making, our perceptions, our gut, in our assessment of our ability to cope in the world.

Projective identification: narcissists are constantly projecting – often when you look back on a conversation, they have been talking to themselves via you. More insidiously though, they have a strong ability to project aspects of themselves that they find intolerable into a ‘host’ – most often the scapegoat.

Very damagingly for our self-concept, we can come to ‘feel’ ‘be’ and ‘act’ in accordance with those toxic introjections – we can become deeply shame-based and believe that we are ‘bad’, with all the attendant consequences. Projective identification is a powerful phenomenon in narcissistic abuse and it is necessary to become aware of it as a starter to healing.

The narcissist, despite not wanting to contain their ‘bad’ part within themselves, likes to keep it close and control it; hence we see constant efforts to contact the scapegoat despite it being obvious the relationship is of very poor quality.

The narcissist’s felt internal sense of ‘dirtiness’ means they often need their environments to be pristine as a compensation. This sense even extends to them being unable to tolerate material on their hands that feels sticky and dirty. Alternately, they can display a noticeable deficit in hygiene standards and commonly have a particular fear of the dentist.

Grief and Sadness: a deep and pervasive sense of sadness is one of the most common overarching impacts of narcissistic abuse in my experience. I believe sadness is an implicit emotional memory accumulated over years of not receiving what we naturally yearn and hope for from the narcissist, and from being badly treated. Complicated grief is common; being able to come to terms with the reality of the narcissist/narcissistic family and to grieve the losses associated with people who are living.

Distorted core beliefs: the narcissist’s distorted perspective of themselves, others and the world, and their value systems, can be taken up consciously and unconsciously by those around them, Core beliefs are powerful – they can become entangled with our trauma triggers and we can unconsciously manipulate our environments to confirm that they are true. Examples of core beliefs are: ‘I’ll be alone’, ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘I’m not interesting’, ‘I don’t deserve’, ‘I’m unlovable’, ‘I’m not worthy’.

Especially punitive inner critics: That relentless internal messaging, telling you that you are ‘stupid’, ‘selfish’, ‘inadequate’, ‘don’t rest or relax’, ‘do more’, ‘look better’, ‘be perfect’, ‘Don’t go out/Look at you – you didn’t go out’…When we realise that our critics are really a protective mechanism and work with them with compassion, we can start to heal.

Chronic and acute anger: we have been treated badly and a ‘wounded self’ develops, but until we come to a deep acceptance that the person is/was a narcissist and is therefore bound to behave in the way that they do; that life is unfair and there is no reason why they would not be in our lives, then chronic anger can continue for years. Narcissistic parents especially do not allow our anger, nothing can be truly resolved or triumphed over, so it goes underground, becomes toxic and threads like a venous system throughout our life – it can transmute into a strong ‘outer critic’ – others are judged, condemned and never given a second chance; it can be turned against the self, as in depression; affect our health, our thoughts and behaviours, and amplify emotional triggers, often outside of our awareness. Chronic anger can be a trauma response – an overactive ‘fight’ part becomes habitual. But anger also has great value – it tells us something is wrong, that a boundary has been transgressed and we can use its energy for our healing.

Boundary issues: after narcissistic abuse there will commonly be a guilt or fear-based response to the idea of setting a boundary with the narcissist in your life. In babies, insecure ambivalent attachment (called insecure preoccupied in adulthood) – resulting from a caregiver who is labile and unpredictable, means that, as an adult the person equates safety with proximity. This suits the narcissist who is very sensitive to proximity as a way to control. Boundaries are hard to maintain if safety lies in proximity – the adult target can therefore find it very difficult to put a distance between themselves and the ‘safety’ of their parents or abusive partner. Animal defences that allowed us to survive as a child (e.g. submit) need to be rebalanced to enable setting boundaries as an adult.

It is challenging to say the least to set boundaries with a mercurial, lying, entitled, rageful, blaming, gaslighting personality. When we impose our own value system on boundaries with a narcissist, we set ourselves up for upset, i.e. ‘he should/must have said/done that’. The most powerful work in therapy is on the boundaries that we create within ourselves. Boundaries are imposed for our own benefit; they will not change the narcissist.

Lack of assertiveness: narcissists can be very adept at communication outside of the family or relationship, but privately there is no model of open, healthy communication leading to a win-win resolution. Assertiveness is regarded by the narcissist as an affront so can be linked with conflict. The brain remembers the consequences and hence people often feel a blockage in their throat.

Humans are relational, as we speak with each other, our brains’ mirror neurons (that allow us to resonate and empathise) are activated such that we can talk easily and draw on our memories. Since a narcissist is not focused on relating and listening (unless it is about something beneficial to them), their mirror neurons are not as activated. As we sense that lack of activation, our pre-frontal cortex shuts down and the threat brain comes online, which makes it harder to speak coherently and access our memories.

Gaslighting impacts: signs and effects include denial, self-doubt, loss of self-confidence, emotional disturbance, depression, anxiety, PTSD, loss of autonomy, increased risk of codependency, re-traumatisation in future relationships and difficulty making decisions. Other signs and impacts include: overthinking; lack of self-trust; conflict aversion at all costs and loss of joy. Or, if gaslighting is clear to the target, they can get caught in a constant cycle of fighting to attain clarity, which is not the goal of the narcissist.

Impacts of lack of mentalisation from a caregiver/partner: Mentalisation is the ability to read, access, and reflect on mental states in oneself and other people. Narcissists struggle severely with mentalisation which impacts their ability to empathise and experience relational stability. It stands to reason that children of narcissists can have undeveloped mentalisation capacities, hence there can be an invisible and unintended impact – it does not occur to them to self- and other-reflect and they can tend to say or do things while remaining unaware of the impacts on another.

Imposter syndrome: a chronic fear-based disorder. Fear of being ‘found out’, failing and being imperfect. Most common in those with high achieving perfectionist tendencies. Often co-morbid with other anxiety disorders – GAD, OCD, perfectionism, health anxiety.

Reactive abuse: The narcissist is clever at the ‘set up’ at ‘baiting’ – manoeuvring a situation such that the target’s reaction incurs accusations – ‘you’re mentally ill’, ‘aggressive’, ‘selfish’, ‘out for our money’ – the list is long. The narcissist will focus on the target’s reactions and not on their own original abusive behaviour. The way that we react to the set up can lead us to feel bad about ourselves, not realising that manipulation and projection have been at play.

An impaired connection to gut instincts: Attachment and survival needs drive a child to focus on the narcissist, pushing outside of their awareness their intrinsic and accurate gut instincts and impairing their ability to act on them. This continues into adulthood. Narcissists like few things more than to disrupt a target’s natural gut level instinct – for example, telling a narcissist your view about yourself or a situation in your life is an invitation to have it disputed and distorted such that you may end up doubting or completely forgetting your initial gut response.

Cognitive dissonance: narcissists can be ignoring and neglectful of your emotional and physical needs and then switch to seemingly attentive and loving behaviours. While often crudely reductionist they can also be incredibly insightful. As a result, the tension of opposing thoughts causes the brain to take the line of least resistance and opt for the easiest route ‘they did that nice thing’, ‘they had that insight, they are normal really’ – thus we keep ourselves in abusive situations. CD (as well as gaslighting) can lead to self-doubt, impaired decision making and trust issues.

Narcissistic fleas: learned and ingrained from being brought up by or relationally involved with a narcissist – these are behaviours, attitudes, thoughts that are ‘narcissistic’ but do not mean you are on the narcissistic spectrum. For example, gossiping, blaming, lacking loyalty etc. Other impacts can include learned dissatisfaction in adult relationships, especially with the partner’s looks; a strategic focus on gains in a relationship; an expectation to receive more than we give; not seeing the value in your partner’s hobbies or desires; difficulty reciprocating interest – making the other feel unimportant; high, perfectionist standards for a partner; not celebrating when they achieve them; difficulty reading emotions.

Survival behaviours: lying by omission, being overly-strategic etc. They can also look like addictions but are indicators of an emotionally neglectful/abusive relationship e.g. over-shopping, to use ‘things’ as regular, reliable, soothing objects. Insecure avoidant attachment styles mean the child becomes an adult who is more interested in objects that people, which can be exacerbated by further abuse as an adult. As well as that, we can subconsciously decide that the parent/partner doesn’t have a lot to offer emotionally and come to equate love with material goods.

Stress impacts on health: this is a huge area. Living with a highly narcissistic person is one of the most chronically stressful situations a person can encounter. Long-term high levels of stress affect our auto-immune system and can lead to a wide range of health issues including fibromyalgia, thrush, eye health issues, heart issues including palpitations, thyroid issues, musculoskeletal disorders, chronic pain, hip issues, lower back issues, digestive issues including IBS.

Chronic insomnia: indicative of a dysregulated nervous system, of a body and mind that is braced for doom and danger, that is fearful and grief-stricken, with features of overthinking, ruminating, worrying and anxious anticipation. Insomnia often points to residual unprocessed trauma and unhealed attachment wounds. The safety of sleep was and is hard to achieve. Long hours of wakefulness can be re-enactments of emotional isolation, especially for those with histories of neglect, abandonment or insecure attachment. ‘Parts’ of us can seek our attention in the night when they cannot get our attention during the day.

Post-traumatic OCD: combined with genetic factors, the subconscious sense of a lack of safety in childhood combined with the narcissist’s parentification of a child – leading to an inflated sense of responsibility for the parent or whole family, can be one of the causes of OCD in whatever form.

Enmeshment via financial assistance/financial deals and faux-promises: can lead to a great deal of stress for the target. Narcissists use what looks like generosity to control and manipulate, because relationships for them are always transactional at some level. Offers of help to their children are hiding the self-consideration of ‘who will stay with me/look after me when I’m older?’. Psychopath narcissists will think nothing of scamming their own children under a guise of ‘a good idea for all of us’. They regard their child’s financial assets as theirs to plunder (here we see the entitlement of the narcissist). For the scapegoat, the need is to be extremely careful: offers of help e.g. buying a flat for the scapegoat to live in, essentially buys the narcissist an opportunity to continue to torment i.e. to keep the scapegoat guessing as to whether ownership will be transferred.

A complex picture

Many of the impacts above are solutions to a problem – they helped protect us at some point – but their continuing on becomes a problem too. This is a complex picture – victims of narcissistic abuse can themselves look like narcissists, but without the clinical traits; others are misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder (as a trauma response). Neurodiversity can have features that are similar to (or are exacerbated by) narcissistic abuse, especially when the two are co-occurring.

FAMILY SYSTEMS

The enmeshed family of a narcissist, which to all intents and purposes looks good on the outside, is actually locked in the misery of the ever-present [scapegoat child] and [golden child] dynamic. This causes a fracture in relationships that often cannot be healed. Both golden child and scapegoat are ultimately competing at a dry well, but deep resentment, mistrust and over-competitiveness is a common outcome.

Whatever role they are placed in, children of narcissists are not seen for who they are, which has profound impacts.

For children of a covert parent, the parent’s intensely low self-esteem will be conveyed in various ways, for example an almost paranoid sense that ‘other people are at the front of the queue’. For children of a grandiose narcissist, the belief is ‘our family is better than others’, which can be just as damaging.

In the descriptors in the link, I am aware that roles can switch, or start at different ages and that both parents can choose different children to golden child and scapegoat.

Since narcissism is strongly inheritable, I often see that golden children have clinical narcissistic traits or experience ‘acquired situational narcissism’. Others do not, and later come to realise regretfully that their behaviour had an impact on the scapegoat, with all the attendant guilt.

Scapegoated adult children can be similarly so enmeshed and trauma bonded to the parent to the degree that they never ‘leave’ or give up the challenge of getting their needs met, often until later in life when they realise the battle is futile.

ADULT RELATIONSHIPS WITH NARCISSISTS

Some of us find ourselves repeatedly involved with narcissists romantically, most often, in my experience, those who come from profound emotional neglect.

All the while that we are in a relationship with a narcissist the psychological damage will be accumulating, often outside of our awareness, even in a short-term relationship.

Narcissistic abuse in relationships can be very subtle such that the target remains unaware for years, or at the other end, the narcissist is relentless in attempting to plant their ‘bad part’ into the target – verbally pathologizing, projecting and blaming to a degree the target believes they are the abuser and developing a number of mental illnesses.

Sometimes, when we look back it was obvious the person was narcissistic – the initial meeting had us feeling incredibly excited, the chemistry was amazing and we felt almost powerless to resist – we felt such a familiarity with this person. The narcissist’s attentions helped us to finally ‘fall in love’ with ourselves and experience ourselves in new or long-lost and deeper ways – people say for example: ‘I felt so much more intelligent, heard, respected, attractive, spiritual, adventurous.’ At other times we may have been drawn to a new partner but feel distinctly numb and even bored; however, we sense a small sad child at the core of the person who we feel we can love into happiness.

Inevitably after a time we start to feel like our partner is colder, more judgemental, less available and attentive. The feeling is that we are somehow falling short, not good enough, leaving us confused, needy and panicky. The familiar loneliness, not good enough, sadness and feelings of abandonment that ran as the background tape of our childhood can return in full – this time making us feel even more defective, anxious, alone, potentially traumatised and empty inside.

Commonly, what actually happened when you met that exciting person was that your subconscious was doing the choosing. The narcissist’s cold energy was reminiscent of your emotionally unavailable parent/caregiver and your brain was grabbing at one more chance to re-enact and to master – to finally get the love and approval of the original parent(s).

A number of factors can keep you in the relationship including:

you are trauma bonded; the narcissist is the cause and the cure – only when the narcissist is approving can you feel calmed
you do not act on your initial gut instinct,
you are perhaps influenced by others too much – friends of yours or the narcissist
you resort to ingrained psychological patterns of looking after the narcissist, you have an empathic drive to heal and make them happy
you are codependent – a ‘confusion of compassion’ but essentially about over-focus and controlling another ‘then I can feel OK’
your ‘hopeful self’ is in action – ‘they can change’, ‘things will get better if/when’
you are a ‘high value low self-worth’ individual – narcissists like that combination
you have a dependent personality as a pre-existing state, normally due to narcissistic parenting. You do not fully feel your capable adult self
damaged self-states such as self-worth and confidence as a result of previous abuse or the result of current domestic abuse
cognitive dissonance – the tension of two opposing views – the brain takes the easy route – ‘she/he is OK really’. This is exacerbated by the nice/nasty cycle of the narcissist
you are looking for a rescuer
you are neurodivergent
the abuse means your attachment drive becomes disorganised between safe/dangerous. The back and forth between ‘I love you and you’re safe’ and ‘I hate you and you’re a threat’ creates a level of confusion that makes it hard to access a decision to stay or go
if you have an anxiously preoccupied attachment style, you can get locked into ‘needing’ the narcissist to change in a way that soothes your nervous system. The focus becomes on that rather than potentially leaving
‘Parts’ of you are getting their needs met externally by the narcissist.
negative blocking beliefs – ‘Who else will have me?’ ‘Men/women don’t find me attractive’, ‘I won’t cope without X’ etc
a desire to re-experience yourself and your partner in the heady days of the love bombing phase
you are good at ‘splitting’ – forgetting the bad behaviours and ploughing on
your ‘Supertraits’ keep you trying (agreeableness, cooperativeness, relationship investment traits) (Women Who Love Psychopaths Sandra L Brown)

Narcissists can be good at creating a feeling of safety and often offer a comfortable standard of living – all of these and the above are hard to leave.

This ‘devaluing’ stage can last for years – it is not true that narcissists move on to discard, quite often they are happy to stay put – they have no interest in a fulfilling, happy relationship, simply one that looks good for them is enough, or they enjoy having a ready-made target to torture for supply.

Breaking up with a narcissist feels primal and is excruciatingly painful in ways that are well beyond a ‘normal’ relationship ending: there is a loss of the person we felt ourselves to be in the love bombing stage as well as who we felt the narcissist to be and the life we hoped for. Existing attachment trauma and trauma-related grief can be reactivated. Those who experienced severe emotional neglect in childhood can develop an overwhelming obsession with the narcissist that can endure long after the ending of the relationship.

Especially after a sudden and traumatic break-up with a narcissist, we can experience PTSD-style symptoms. The relationship leads to dysregulated oxytocin and dopamine, leaving us with intense cravings for the narcissist in the aftermath – a connection is required to keep from going into withdrawal. Thoughts follow to make sense of feelings and behaviour; hence we see, ‘but I love him’, ‘who is he with now? ‘is his/her new partner better than me...he/she will be [non-narcissistic] with them’, ‘I will contact him/her just this once’.

‘Stuckness’ is common in healing when child parts of us are activated and/or still seeking to get their needs met externally, combined with newly distorted self-beliefs from the abuse. Other impacts of NAS can include suicidal ideation, chronic insomnia, major depression, anhedonia, and a core belief of ‘not good enough’.

All about control

Love bombing is an especially powerful bonding technique for people who experienced childhood neglect and overt abuse. Narcissists have a ‘lackdar’ for those who have unmet needs and punitive core beliefs. But they are also drawn to people with Supertraits as it confirms their specialness to have such a partner, and there is more to mine and ruin.

Those who engage in love bombing do so out of a need to control the target and to create a false sense of intimacy for personal gain, which is consistent with narcissism. We commonly hear phrases such as: ‘I feel we have met somewhere before’ etc.

After that stage, the narcissist withdraws from certain key aspects of a ‘normal’ relationship and doubles down on getting control supply by putting in minimal or inconsistent effort that keeps us hopeful, begging, and accepting and over-valuing breadcrumbs.

Eventually, we come to realise that we have been ‘used’, that the relationship is emotionally void and more like a flatmate or slavery contract that we didn’t sign up to – we realise that the relationship ‘looks good’ to the outside world and the narcissist appears ‘normal’ for having it.

OTHER IMPACTS MAY INCLUDE:

Do you feel essentially defective and toxic at your very core? That other people won’t like you if they get to know you

Do you experience guilt at a level that is pervasive and uncomfortable?

Do you fear that you will pass on your ‘toxicity’ to your children?

Do you fear that you are behaving or will become like your parent as you parent your children?

Are you highly triggered by your children’s behaviour?

Do you have a pervasive sense that someone is angry with you, that you have done something wrong, that it’s ‘your fault’?

Do you notice black and white thinking? For example, someone you have argued with is ‘all bad’ in the moment then ‘all good’ when repair is achieved

Do you fear being judged?

Do you have a sense of your own power and ability to control your life, or do you recognise learned helplessness?

Do you find it hard to take a long-term view of your future, or seem pretty certain that if you experience abundance, success, happiness, something will go wrong or come out of the blue to take it all away?

If someone offers a compliment…if someone really likes you, does that feel more uncomfortable and pressurising than someone who is unpleasant and/or unavailable?

Do you have a sense that you don’t deserve success, love and so on?

Do you have a strong desire to ‘fix’ and heal people?

Do you find it very hard to make decisions?

Do you self-sabotage in ways you don’t understand?

Do you tend to blame yourself?

Do you suppress your shadow side in order to prove that you are ‘good’ or not who the narcissist said you are?

Are you in the grip of an addiction or compulsive behaviour?

Do you find that you are constantly drawn to and attractive to people who are ‘quirky’, ‘weird’ or mentally ill? You feel more comfortable with these people.

Have you come to see any financial assistance from your parents as the only true measure of their love? Things have more value than people.

In relationships or friendships, do you feel you need to do all the work to make sure that others are happy?

Are you completely into someone without question if they complement you a lot?

Are you overly-picky, sensitive, hypervigilant in relationships?

Are your relationships and friendships tinged with a lack of trust and perceived abandonment?

Do you long for contact with people but when it comes you feel it as overwhelming and destabilising.

Do you feel like you don’t fit anywhere? Working in offices or being in groups is stressful

Do you veer between thinking you are very special and, alternately, deservedly at the bottom of the tree?

Do you have a strong outer critic – you rage at others for their imperfections and perceived transgressions?

Are you deeply uncomfortable at the idea of ‘criticism’? Do you notice it brings feelings of rejection?

Do you have a sense of a blockage in your throat when it comes to being assertive?

Are you an exhausted and perfectionist workaholic, unable to give yourself credit and suffering with imposter syndrome?

Do you find it hard to give and receive love at a deep level?

Do you feel that you will be a burden if you ask for help or express your needs?

Do you ‘scapegoat’ a part of your body – singling it out for a special hatred, and you have no real compassion for or connection with your body overall?