Narcissistic abuse is a particularly insidious form of emotional, psychological and sometimes physical abuse – while targets of a narcissist may be aware of what is happening in the moment, they may not be aware of the depth and range of the impacts, often until after the abuse.
Our connection to and sense of ourselves, our sense of belonging, relationships, parenting, friendships, physical wellness, careers, large and small life decisions can all be affected.
Narcissistic abuse distorts a person’s sense of self
Narcissistic abuse shapes a person so that they continue to abuse themselves, whether or not the narcissist is present.
As deeply relational beings, we ruminate and overthink about behaviours that do not make sense to us, we bond harder to those who are attentive one minute and distant the next. We try even harder to be perfect if we sense the disappointment and unrelenting perfectionistic standards of another.
Many of our concerns as a result of the abuse can mimic narcissism – ‘What will other people think?’. Years of anxious attachment and emotional manipulation leave us believing we have the power to hurt others ‘Have I said/done the right thing?’ The seeming impossibility of triumphing over our situations leaves us with one option – to take control by blaming ourselves.
Traumatic impacts are common: body sensations, emotions, thoughts and behaviours are perceived and reacted to as if they are in the here and now, when actually many of them are implicit (unconscious) memories of abuse. We mis-perceive these memories as our ‘personality’. Emotion regulation and rational decision making are harder with a supressed pre-frontal cortex, which also struggles to over-ride the smoke alarms of the brain, the amygdalae – which are made ‘irritable’ by abuse and send out a synthetic sense of fear at the very thought of the narcissist.
Internecine strife within is undertaken by ‘Parts’ of us that were activated to protect us and/or carry our deep unconscious pain. When not in battle with each other they tell us we are not good enough, they urge us to overwork, don’t rest, be perfect, smoke, eat, numb out, stay indoors etc. Very skilled at taking over the driving seat of our adulthood, they emanate their own anxieties, fears and beliefs and often shrink and regress us in the process.
Our core beliefs are infected by the narcissist’s house of mirrors perceptions of us, themselves and the world. Core beliefs are so powerful that we can manipulate our environment to confirm their truth.
Shame – our own and the narcissist’s projected shame – also becomes imprinted cognitively and somatically within our autonomic nervous system and coalesces into implicit relational templates of ‘If you really see me/know what I’m like you will reject me’.
Heavy, relentless and pervasive guilt is common, both from the manipulative narcissist and at being forced to consider decisions that are outside of relational ‘norms’.
Focus and brain energy is corralled into being all about the narcissist. Our Self is forgotten in the battle to get them to understand, to atone and to change. Questions such as ‘What kind of a person would do that?’ become fixed into neural networks such that an answer is no longer sought but the angst becomes addictive.
Many of the above impacts are actually solutions to a problem – ingenious, complex adaptations that the brain and body create to help us survive, but that continue on in a way that becomes maladaptive.
The therapeutic journey
There is no doubt that healing from the trauma, sadness, anxiety, powerlessness, loneliness, sense of betrayal and anger that results from narcissistic abuse is one of the challenges of a lifetime. But it can be done.
I will guide you as you recognise and re-shape your inner environment and change your outer behaviours. We will untangle the abuse from your real self so that you can start to feel integrated and at peace, whether or not you are around a narcissist.
Many experts propagate the idea that narcissism arises from childhood trauma, but there is also a significant genetic component that is often minimised – to that end focusing on the narcissist’s back-story is not productive: the therapy will focus on you, on what happened to you and how you can heal.
While the therapy is tailored to your unique impacts and prevailing issues, overall, my aim is to also help you change your relationship with yourself – to a achieve a greater sense of self-compassion and self-acceptance. That, as well as developing a less personalised and triggered reaction to the narcissist and a more rational, detached view of what is/was happening and how you are/were treated.
Areas covered in therapy may include: trauma-focused, potentially including EMDR; addressing guilt and shame; anxiety; low self-esteem and confidence; anger; identifying and changing your core beliefs; developing your connection to your gut instincts; addressing trust issues; alleviating self-doubt; developing your ability to make decisions with greater ease; boundaries; assertiveness; procrastination and perfectionism; learning strategies for dealing with narcissists in so far as possible for the particular ‘type’ you have in your life; coming out of the particular ‘role’ the narcissist has placed you in and changing your self-narrative; and an enhanced ability to recognise and change your pattern of attachment, the kinds of people you are drawn to and why.
Making the leap
Narcissistic abuse is highly complex and often extremely subtle and covert. Manipulation is barely recognisable, which is its nature. The disorder is cleverer than the person, which makes it even more confusing.
In trying to explain our experience to others or call out a narcissist, thousands of plausibly deniable words and actions often just don’t add up to convey the laser targeted, hate-filled abuse that we know we have experienced, and in seeking validation we can set ourselves up to be judged and blamed.
This abuse can leave us un-self-aware and overly-focused outwards on others, dependent on them for advice and guidance, love, approval and support, all the while never realising that the only true guidance, love and support that can consistently validate, satisfy, sustain and empower us has to come from within us; that we alone can provide many of our own emotional needs when we are finally ready to make that leap.
This is a journey to back to self, fortified for a whole new future.
Self as a priority
Aside from being stressful and dysregulating for the nervous system, the list of impacts from being around a narcissistic person is long: within quite a short while a target can feel confused, ruminative, drained, regressed, angry, reactive, sad, bad and not good enough, anxiously anticipating when the next hurtful shock will be in store.
Ultimately, it is irrational to ‘blame’ the narcissist, rather it is important to develop a deep acceptance and a ‘letting go’. Too many media pieces talk about how to achieve ‘revenge’ or ‘outsmart’ a narcissist, which is not helpful – it will not change the narcissist or help you to heal.
However, the traits that shape their behaviours mean that narcissists are inevitably harmful and often traumatising to others. Healthy, rational personality functioning and adult self-care brings a choice about how and whether we choose to endure this pathology.
WHAT IS UNIQUE ABOUT NARCISSISTIC ABUSE?
Narcissistic abuse is not a clinical term, several personality disorders share phenomena such as love bombing, gaslighting, ignoring boundaries, criticising and devaluing and interpersonal manipulation and bullying. One form of abuse that is unique to pathological narcissism and NPD is using or exploiting other people in a way that negates their subjectivity and selfhood in order to meet the narcissist’s own self-esteem needs. It’s a form of emotional neglect paired with a form of interpersonal manipulation that pressures the target into ignoring their own feelings in favour of ‘living up to’ the expectations of the narcissist. Thus, the target experiences an impaired relationship with their own genuine thoughts and feelings.
Because the narcissist can’t see themselves as a Self, they can’t see other people as Selves either – everyone becomes an Object. Everyone is rated in terms of how well they’re performing according to whatever standards of performance are set up by the narcissist.
The most pervasive impact of narcissistic abuse that I witness is therefore, unsurprisingly, a core belief of ‘Not Good Enough’.
A recent meta-analysis on Perfectionism and narcissism showed that grandiose narcissists were more likely to be high on self-oriented perfectionism, other-oriented perfectionism, and perfectionistic self-promotion. But as expected, covert (vulnerable) narcissists are preoccupied with perfection to avoid criticism, judgement and pressure from others (that they fully expect to receive). For the grandiose narcissist image is everything but for the vulnerable, it is approval that drives them toward perfection.
The other-oriented perfectionism of the grandiose may seem paradoxical considering that they want to seem better than everyone else. However, here we see the impact of the traits of narcissism in the lack of empathy for those who are not ‘perfect’, and the haughty disregard for them as weak.
For the prickly covert narcissist, even a (inaccurate) perception that they are being disapproved of can lead to all sorts of consequences.
A sign that we are in the presence of a narcissist is noticing, after a time, a powerful countertransference of ‘not good enough’, of feel soaked in that feeling and belief. Opinions and resources that we offer are subtly or overtly minimised or dismissed and compared to another.
The sheer pressure that narcissistic perfectionism exerts on the target is profound and wide-ranging: as well as core beliefs, ‘Parts’ of us become focused on telling us relentlessly that we are ‘not good enough’. Thus, as mentioned, narcissistic dynamics become implanted within us such that we continue to abuse ourselves.
Our impacts can reflect both the vulnerable and/or grandiose presentations – we can develop an almost paranoid fear of what ‘other people’ would think e.g. neighbours’ disapproval if the narcissist turns up and makes a scene. We may develop overtly perfectionist and controlling tendencies that drive us relentlessly to achieve. Often mistaken for strengths, they are survival strategies rooted in trauma.
The drive to be perfect means we can become a ‘human doing’ not a human ‘being’, over-riding our internal sense of what we actually want to do for our mental wellbeing and health. Internal ‘taskmaster’ and ‘perfectionist’ critic parts take on the burden of rigidly and relentlessly driving us to keep achieving. This leads to the magical thinking of ‘when I achieve ‘X’ I will feel good enough/be able to relax’, which becomes addictive, and thus we are set for an exhausting cycle of discontent and self-berating.
ASPECTS OF A NARCISSIST
As mentioned above (What is unique?), everything and everyone is in service to the narcissist’s ability to internally regulate their self-esteem and feel in control and superior – in order to do that they need ‘supply’, which they glean via others’ upset, attention and admiration.
They can achieve supply in many different ways – by targeting things that mean the most to you, that you take pride in – your qualities, skills, interests, passions, plans; by guilt-tripping and shaming you; by boring you; ignoring you; getting you alone and saying or doing something inappropriate; by listening and appearing to empathise and then smearing you; by scaring or shocking you when you least expect it. All without the empathy breaks to stop themselves. Narcissists cycle around the Drama Triangle – drama is their vehicle of connection; hence they can act the victim, be a rescuer or a persecutor.
This cannot be a comprehensive list, but here are some aspects of a narcissist that you may have experienced in your family, relationship or workplace:
Empathy differences: narcissists will look empathic in different ways to different people, depending on the nature of the relationship.
This is a disorder of delusion of perception – of self, others and the world and a failure to accurately self-appraise. Narcissists believe they are a good and nice person and have a huge need be seen that way; they believe they are empathic and will believe you are ‘bad’ for telling them otherwise.
They have a range of empathy-associated behaviours: ‘performative’ (in front of others); ‘transactional’ (‘what can you do for me’/ ‘after all I have done for you’); ‘cognitive’ (to gather information and bond).
Narcissists do not have the full emotional spectrum at their disposal hence they are good at mimicking empathy, but this is ‘state empathy’ – it looks convincing and can be done at the right time in the right way; but it is not ‘trait empathy’ which ‘sticks’ and is consistent and deep.
It is difficult to retain a narcissist’s empathic attention for long – at some point others’ emotionality will trigger them into self-focus and the thought/feeling is: ‘Your upset is making me feel anxious, inadequate and overwhelmed and I am annoyed with you because I don’t know how to respond to the demand placed on me’. That can lead to verbal outbursts, clear signs of irritation such as eye rolling or looking away, dismissive behaviours and words, avoidance such as stonewalling, longer-term silent treatment, smearing and so on. In the target this can contribute to core beliefs such as, ‘I am a burden/too much’.
However, they can display extraordinary attentiveness and care in contexts where such engagement is associated with self-enhancement and possible benefits. For example, at a hospital bedside where medical staff are looking on, or in the family system they may act kindly to the scapegoat in front of others.
Reflecting the narcissist’s internal duality, their inner split between good and bad, in a family system they are often overtly empathic to their ‘golden child’, but the utterly self-absorbed narcissist is really aggrandising their own ‘good’ part. To their scapegoat, despite occasional experiences to the contrary, empathy is very low because the narcissist is reacting to their ‘bad’ part.
Gaslighting: A huge and overarching phenomenon in narcissistic manipulation, often extremely subtle and unseeable, it is used to maintain the narcissist’s sense of control, of rightness and to redirect blame to the target.
Re-writing interpersonal history and events, minimising the consequences of their actions, claiming that the other person is mis-remembering is, like idealising, devaluing and splitting, a hallmark of Borderline Personality Organisation. A narcissist’s highly defended personality structure means they cannot accept blame or responsibility.
Narcissists hide their fantasy world, their fragmented and delusion-prone inner environment. They generally have intact reality testing but serious perceptual gaps and can make the facts fit their emotions: sensed threats to their ‘perfect’ self are fended off via self-gaslighting – the subconscious inventing of alternative scenarios that can form into ‘memories’. This can lead to memory gaps and a lack of a cohesive sense of self. Narcissists can be aware of their ‘Swiss cheese’ memory and write it off as ‘I’ve always been like that, it’s just how I am’. This phenomenon however can be akin to gaslighting for the target.
Especially when more is at stake, telling a narcissist they are gaslighting is a futile exercise – they will simply deny and turn to blame. At other times though, it becomes apparent that they are aware they are gaslighting and will simply admit ‘OK’. The lack of concern that they are skewing the perceptions of another human being in order that they stay ‘right’ and ‘good’ can be shocking to behold.
At its worst, gaslighting can reduce the target’s cognitive and psychological competency. Denying and distorting a person’s sense of reality initially causes self-doubt but can eventually lead to them denying their own experiences and altering their memories. The narcissist becomes the primary/only source of truth. This forms part of why targets find it hard to think independently after a break-up – i.e. ‘What would the narcissist think/say/do?’
For more psychopathic narcissists, gaslighting can be used as part of a conscious goal that the narcissist does not want to reveal. Like a lot of other traits and abilities in this complex disorder, narcissists’ capacity to know their own and others needs can be switched on when necessary. Their manipulativeness allows them to be able to understand the target’s needs and to get their own needs met while playing on the target’s vulnerabilities.
The depth and range of gaslighting is huge, for example a narcissistic parent who has an eating disorder or poor relationship with food wants to pass it on to their child so that they feel normalised.
Gaslighting by silence (see What are the impacts?) is as powerful as overt gaslighting.
Triangulation: A manipulation tactic and one of the most hurtful and damaging aspects of narcissistic abuse. Again, it is used for control and power and to gain supply. The concept is that a ‘third’ party is brought into the relationship to create a ‘triangle’ – this helps the narcissist to feel superior and aids the needed sense of ‘rightness’.
In a partnership, narcissists will subtly or overtly compare (rate) their partner to someone or something else, with the surefire message that the target is falling short. Over time this can exacerbate or bring about deep and painful core beliefs of not being good enough.
Triangulation is rife in narcissistic families, where the narcissist has an absolute drive to ‘divide and conquer’. Open communication is not encouraged and a toxic dynamic is common, with the golden child and enabler encouraged into family ‘mobbing’ of the scapegoat child.
The golden child (often narcissistic), can become a ‘flying monkey’ – used by the narcissist to attack the scapegoat by proxy, condescendingly and aggressively parroting the narcissist’s lies and twisted version of events without checking their validity. Any complaint that the sibling is favoured will have been denied by all involved.
I frequently hear accounts of children being drawn into dealing with marital conflict – either by the narcissist or by the other parent who resorts to desperate measures to get through to the impenetrable narcissist, by imploring the golden child to intervene, for example. Narcissistic mother-in-law’s can be emotionally incestuous and attempt to triangulate their sons into turning against their wives. Again, they can be relentless in their campaign.
Triangulation is generational. Grandchildren will be contacted directly if the couple refuse to be controlled, leading to dilemmas around whether to set boundaries with a child regarding contact with their grandparents, or whether a child will suffer for not having a grandparent in their lives. Grandchildren are commonly golden-childed and scapegoated by the narcissistic grandparent. For the scapegoated child of a narcissistic parent, as an adult the scapegoat’s own child will be initially ‘tested’ with drops of smearing by the grandparent, with the ultimate aim of alienating the scapegoat parent from their own child.
Enablers: You may be experiencing a parent/caregiver who attempts to be loving but is ultimately loyal solely to the narcissist and often ends up being just as abusive. In a typical narcissistic family structure, the enabler revolves around the attention-hungry and highly manipulative narcissist, all their efforts to soothe and manage are in that direction, and the children – despite appearances to the contrary – are sidelined psychologically and unprotected.
Sitting within the trauma quadrangle, the enabler is often perceived by the target as the disinterested onlooker, which elicits a great deal of confusion and anger: I hear many stories where the non-narcissistic parent distances themselves by for example, working a lot or generally not being present. In that way the child feels there is no ‘protector’ figure to ‘do something’ about the abuse.
Smear campaign: Aside from the constant smearing of the scapegoat, anything can trigger a narcissist into a retaliatory campaign of devaluation and more, which they use to maintain a sense of dominance. You may be experiencing a subtle distancing or even outright hostility from family, friends or colleagues without knowing why. Narcissists will take zero or five per cent of the truth, twist it and then aim to make the target look unethical or immoral.
Narcissists trade on the fact that most people will feel empathy for a person in distress and anger at the abuses they have suffered. Once in victim mode they are emotionally persuasive far beyond the ability of a non-personality disordered person. They seek people who will agree with their irrational beliefs using peripheral persuasion and negative stereotyping.
Smearing can cause implicit trauma memories to be activated long after the abuse. Knowing that the narcissist is capable of anything, the fear and shame of what could happen as a result of smearing lives on in the target.
Narcissistic rage: Ultimately, narcissists’ experience of themselves is completely guided by how other people see them and value them. As a result, they can be quite labile. Any perceived threat to the narcissist’s fragile ego – even a well-intentioned compliment – can elicit shame and anxiety. Then we see either overt or passive aggressive rage.
One theory is that because the narcissist is aware of the difference between good and bad behaviour, they then feel remorse (that they were seen as less than perfect, not because they hurt someone) and are aware that another’s perception of them has changed. That brings up more shame, and shame brings up more rage, so the narcissist is locked in the cycle.
Here we see the impulsivity, reactivity and an inability to manage emotion, which can be shocking, partly because narcissists generally avoid and hide their emotions (because if they are ‘seen’ it penetrates the idea of the perfect self).
During the shame/rage cycle, narcissists often project onto the target characterological traits that they possess.
In terms of the expression of their rage, a grandiose narcissist can react overtly and then recover when they have internally recalibrated through new supply. A covert narcissist, already highly sensitive to insults real and imagined, will angrily ruminate and be drawn even further under the influence of their cognitive distortions (thoughts that don’t fit reality such as ‘all or nothing thinking’ e.g. ‘You are good today/bad tomorrow’ or ‘I am upset, I feel like a victim, so I must be’ (affective realism). Coverts tend to try to hide their rage, which can manifest as a long-term plot for revenge, e.g. disinheritance.
Witnessing rage amnesia is astonishing. Because it triggers their shame the narcissist’s rage can be dissociated such that their recollection is disrupted or wiped out. Here we see carrying on as if nothing happened and expecting the target to comply. If they do remember, they will faux-apologise, gaslight, minimise and dismiss.
For a target who is seen as a bringer of shame, this dynamic can lead to over-active submit (fawn) animal defence parts and a muting of the authentic self to avoid triggering them.
Lying: Narcissists may chronically lie because their feelings override reason and morality. Perceptual gaps mean they fill in the story with inaccurate ‘facts’ – often as a consequence of their subterfuge. There are many forms of their lying, e.g. a covert narcissist psychopath/sociopath will keep a lie secret for years because it wouldn’t be in their best interests to reveal it. A malignant narcissist with sadistic traits will lie ‘because they can’ and enjoy the pain the lie is causing or will cause in the future. Aside from outright lying, we see lying by omission; words and actions not matching and false promises that can cause serious consequences in the life of the target.
Envy: A spoiling emotion. Grandiose narcissists have an inflated sense of superiority so tend not to feel much envy. Covert narcissists, while still believing they are special and entitled, have more of an inner world of fear, shame, anxiety, fluctuating low self-esteem and depression. Their vulnerability predicts envy and they experience it much more than the grandiose. A covert narcissist with dark tetrad traits and festering with envy and anger, combined with their distorted take on the situation, can be a profound adversary.
Narcissists have a deprivation schema and everything is a finite resource – ‘I didn’t get it so I can’t celebrate you achieving it’. For children of narcissists especially, picking up even unconsciously on that envy can leave a sense of shame and a ‘shrunken self-sabotaging self’ not willing to shine on any stage in the future for fear of consequences.
Hoovering: Contacting you when they are fully aware that you have set a boundary of ‘no contact’. Here we can see the true extent of the narcissist’s boundaryless attitude and willingness to harass.
Narcissists are loathe to let go of someone they are used to controlling and receiving supply from, until they can find new supply. Any reaction from you, positive or negative is supply. The void that sits within all borderline presentation individuals needs filling constantly.
Hoovering can be traumatic. For more malignant narcissists where coercive control is involved, we can see stalking and harassing behaviours that are deliberately designed to scare, intimidate and dominate. For more histrionic narcissists we can see turning up at the target’s front door and creating noise and drama that other people can witness.
Hoovering can create ‘anticipatory anxiety’ and be traumatising for the brain. Some, very domineering and aggressive narcissists, who absolutely have the target in a set role, will be enraged at not having their own way; at the family system change, and at how the target’s leaving looks to others. Narcissists are deeply triggered when a target finds autonomy and self-differentiation and new connections – they fear the ‘family secret’ will come out.
The narcissist will cycle around the drama triangle using a range of tactics to return the target to their role; one minute sending them long, distorted and vicious emails, the next expressing how much they love and miss them.
After an unsuccessful hoovering campaign, at the other end of this we can see the narcissist’s ruthless discard of those close to them rather than take accountability or make amends.
If the target returns, the narcissist has new information on the target’s boundaries and the only certainty here is that even greater punishments are in store.
MORE ABOUT NARCISSISTS
Newer psychiatric formulations are placing Antagonism as the bigger umbrella under which narcissistic personality disorder fits. It references traits related to immorality, combativeness, grandiosity, callousness and distrustfulness, suspiciousness, hostility, manipulativeness and attention seeking.
Antagonistic traits put a person at odds with other people and are relationally harmful because they translate into problematic behaviours.
The common forms of the antagonistic dynamic in human relationships include predation, competition, parasitism: [LINK]
Narcissists continually seek attention and admiration (they often self-describe as ‘God of…) not deep connection; on a day-to-day basis, conversation is superficial and practical with very few ‘deepener’ questions (except when gathering information to bond initially). Meaningful reciprocity is scare as the narcissist draws the other into making them the sole focus. You might notice that, as well as inflating their knowledge and experience, they can parrot information you provide, an idea that you have or a phrase you used as if were their own shortly afterwards. What they say and what they do are two very different things.
Legal antagonism
Due to the nature of their disorder, narcissists find it difficult to let go of a source of ‘supply’. Their abandonment schema, combined with their strong sense of superiority and grandiosity (‘you don’t get to tell me what to do’) means that, unless it is their decision, ending a relationship will be messy and difficult to say the least.
Here we see situations like ‘divorce terrorism’ as the legal arena presents narcissists with the perfect opportunity to try to exert their sense of control, superiority and hostility towards the target. The deluded thinking is that they are special, clever enough to outdo/outsmart the legal system, and here we see the narcissist representing themselves in court or dragging out the legal process to the nth degree.
However, narcissists are totally not out of touch with reality, the calmer more psychopathic narcissist especially, can be remarkably changeable legally, especially when information that would threaten their good reputation is likely to be revealed, and here we see backtracking and seemingly cooperative behaviours.
Types of narcissists
Narcissism is a spectrum disorder, with narcissistic personality disorder at the top end. In terms of the two distinct expressions of narcissism – grandiose and covert, the grandiose type is more easily identified (the disagreeable extravert) with the traits often on view. The covert/vulnerable type is much harder to spot since they are mask wearers: the same traits are there but display themselves in a subtler and different way. The vulnerable narcissist has a hostile attributional style and dispositional contempt.
There is a range of sub-types of narcissists, e.g. malignant, communal, neglectful, self-righteous, generational/cultural, and a narcissist can transmute into different types over their lifetime.
Entitlement is at the core of all models of narcissism: ‘I am special and more special than others.’ Here we see narcissists regarding themselves as superior to other cultures, races, sexual orientations etc. The truth too though is that narcissists live in a constant state of threat and find it difficult to co-regulate at a nervous system level with other people, especially those they perceive as very ‘different’ to them. Narcissists are commonly conspiracy theorists due to their range of cognitive distortions.
Narcissistic personality disorder can be co-morbid with other personality disorders and not infrequently narcissists are addicted to substances (drugs, alcohol) as a way of distancing from and taking control of feeling and mood states.
See more [HERE] on Self-esteem and emotion regulation for narcissists.
I’m not the problem, you must be
Narcissists are ‘ego syntonic’ – they don't see their symptoms as problematic because they don't conflict with their internal belief system. Everything they say and do is fine by them and there is no need for change. The idea that they play a part in a problem is not on their radar, and if it touches on that they will project, ‘you/others are at fault’. The ‘ego dystonic’ target is left to deal with the difficult thoughts and feelings that arise from an interaction – self-recrimination, guilt, shame, that are not aligned with their self-concept.
So un-self-aware, they are confused and depressed when the life they planned and believed they were entitled to does not manifest. To feel ordinary can feel devastating to a narcissist.
In terms of trait diversity, that does not exist in personality disorders, which are in fact marked by trait excesses and deficiencies – a significantly over-developed trait and an under-developed trait. In narcissism the over-developed trait is self-importance/competitiveness and the under-developed trait is sharing/empathy.